THIS JOURNAL IS ON 48 FAVORITE JOURNAL LISTSHonor: 0 [ Give / Take ]
2 entries this month
Deck the halls with poop and urine!23:05 Feb 05 2009
Times Read: 631
And the hallways ran amok with muck! Poop, urine, tampons, lost children... all in the halls of my office from a water main break...
Yesterday, we were advised NOT to drink the water (FUCK! Guess who had made a fresh pot of coffee because she didn't check her email), secondly - oh, and this was first class all the way; port-a-potties (only two -- we splurge!) were delivered because we couldn't use the bathrooms. These lovely pee pee, poop (and God knows what else) were delivered at about 3pm. I am proud to say that I have a strong bladder since I am totally phobic about using public bathrooms. The rest of my co-workers were not so lucky *stifles laughter*. The best part was that the VP and all other "big dogs" whose arses and special no-no places decided they were too precious to use a commoner's port a potty and all made an agreement to use the office bathroom BUT not flush and throw toilet paper in the trash...
I'm leaving you a moment to vomit... *pause*
Needless to say, for a company who has opted to make shaking hands corporate policy -- I was keeping a 5 yard circle of safety around me and would NOT leave my office nor shake a hand. I'm beside myelf with grossness. And that, was only yesterday.
Today? The sewer/waterpipe ppl came. I happened to be standing outside when they arrived and my jaw must've been obviously unhinged as the men exited the vehicle. Two men were either mud-wrestling in the back of the truck OR, and I think the more obvious works as truth -- THESE MEN WERE SPLATTERED IN SHIT!
The shitty men laid thick hoses that were brilliantly placed in front of my office and only after two people tripped over the poopy hose (yeah, I was one of them -- BURN IN HELL, I am no ballerina) duct tape was located and the hose was taped down. From there? A cacophany of horrible noises emanated through the halls of where OUR offices were located. The ceiling shook and it sounded like jack-hammers were being powered by smurfs under the floor.
By now, my co-workers actually started THROWING their earphones and iPods onto their desks hoping to have soemone to lead them from this cesspool... Eyes turned toward me and mine turned toward the empty air behind me. By then, no one was working, I was singing Michael Jackson, the princess was updating us on random celebrity gossip and Ebonic Woman left altogether to get her son from school.
By the end of the day, it was an office version of Lord of the Flies -- mass chaos had broken out and no one could be fucked to get any work done. Me? I taught them a new phrase (last month was "donkey-punch"), "tantric sex". Yep, someone asked about a song by Sting and I was kind enough to add that juicy multi-orgasmic tidbit of info. Yep, I am a leader.
I hate my job with a fiery passion... just an afterthought.
Crotch Shaving Don'ts03:50 Feb 03 2009
Times Read: 653
So, after the gym today I went through my daily clean up ritual: shower, exfoliation, facial, hydration, etc...
However, we all just want to talk about the shower, don't we? Fine -- you pervs *grin*
It all started with innocent leg shaving and then, since I think bikini waxers are the spawn of Satan and the last remnants of German WWII toruture... I do my own beuatification of my cute vajayjay.
I'm just gonna share few fun facts about what can make a woman start with a cute landing strip that somehow turns into the profile of George Washington:
1 Singing too loud in the shower with your eyes closed
2 Deciding that if Stevie Wonder can play the piano you can shave your vagina without loking down
3 Contemplating whether or not to have a quick orgasm with the shower massage and not concentrating on the work at hand
4 Getting bored and deciding a "mow-the-lawn" technique of using the razor is a fast and efficient way to get the job neatly done
So, after hopping out the shower and finishing my standard regimen I tend to give myself a quick once over before applying body butter and putting on my comfy clothes. Bless the mirror -- even when it shows you things on yourself you'd rather put a pair of Groucho Marx glasses on to cover!! I was looking at a crooked smile of a landscaping faux pas! I was staring at what could have been a botched surgery, possibly a cat shot with 12-gague or... George Washington's profile. *sigh*
Needless to say, I was back in the shower giving myself a nice bald palette to fuck up all over again later. *applause*
Yes, I also do bar mitvahs... I will be here all night! *bows*
REAL VAMPIRES LOVE VAMPIRE RAVE
Vampire Rave is a member of
Page generated in 0.051 seconds.
COMMENTS
-
Jho
16:00 Feb 06 2009
D:
Do not want